Friday, December 11, 2009

The Cuisinart Shitstick

Innovation Station

There's a revolution going on in kitchens around the world.

Gone are the days of Nanna's potato masher (a fork) and hello are the days of pricey doodads to help the new culinary whizkid - the at-home chef - transform mere foodlike articles into delectable masterpieces almost too pretty to eat.

These kitchen innovation "essentials" take many forms:

  • Pot filler faucets
  • The combination steam oven
  • The vertical rotisserie
  • Stainless steel professional-sized ranges
  • Outside pizza ovens from Italy (complete with outdoor living area and kitchen prep sink)
  • Complete kitchen renovations more expensive than my first house
  • And ah, yes, the Immersion Blender, like the Cuisinart® "Smart Stick®," shown above.
Suck It, Buck Rogers

I thought the immersion blender made a lot of sense, so I purchased one as a gift for my household eatery.

I had visions of leap frogging from 2008 into the future. Like the year 2500 future. In only a few adventures with my new hand device, I'd be whipping out Frozen Coffee Frappes, Blueberry Banana Antioxidant Smoothies, Sweet Red Pepper Coulis - even Parsnip & Sweet Potato Puree.

I might even be able to open my side kitchen window and start selling my new stick creations to the plethora of hungry people who would surely swarm my new kitchen holyland.

Easy Living

While Cuisinart touts the Smart Stick as a device that would "make life in the kitchen easier than ever," I could barely remember the the lengthy names of some of the recipes (above) included with my stick. Yeah, try saying "Blueberry Banana Antioxidant Smoothies" thrice while clicking your heels and you might awake in a culinary nirvana, complete with hundreds of Cuisinart kitchen essentials.

But Cuisinart convinced me that with my Smart Stick, I would be unstoppable. Invincible. A Gastronomical Genius. An Accomplished Appliancist.

Make way, Julia. Paula. Martha (yeah, I said "Martha").

Savor The Good Life®

The Smart Stick surely sounded good on the outside.

Why in just a few days I had pureed green beans and carrots for some dog treats, made some gravy and even a shake. (of course these would now be represented with their Cuisinart-a-fied new names of "Homemade Rustic Rosemary Canine Veggie Treats With A Smattering Of Italian EVOO," "7 Spice Southern Style Roasted Garlic And Peppercorn Sausage Gravy," and the delightful, delectable and decadent "Triple Chocolate Power Blast Protein Shake."

Where Smart Stick Meets Shitstick

You see. After just a few weeks of use (about four total uses in all), the Smart Stick turned Shitstick.

It broke.

No workey.

So there I was back transported back to the present in my common kitchen.

Goodbye, Shitstick. Hello Nanna's fork.

Goodbye, Accomplished Appliancist. Hello, Consumer Victim.


Victim's Note Of Interest: Cuisinart refers to the Smart Stick as a "hand blender" undoubtedly for legal reasons. I'm assuming things could get costly if a consumer immersed something like the Shitstick and sued the culinary giant. But then again, does being a "hand blender" imply the device blends hands?

More Kitchen Calamities? You betcha. Consumer Victim Style! Check out range rage here. More details coming soon!