Sunday, January 20, 2008

My First Post!

I'm 41 years old and I just created my first Blog! Weeeee! Thanks, Blogger!

I'm not sure really where to start other than to say that I'm going to test the waters with this puppy and see how it goes. I hope at some level those of you reading this will find some peace knowing that my life will always be more tragic than yours. Don't get me wrong - I have a great life - but the experiences I've shared as a consumer victim aren't anything I'd wish on anyone. For that reason I'm proclaiming myself THE WORLD's GENUINE CONSUMER VICTIM. Sorry, Rosa.

This week, a co-worker urged me to start documenting my consumer nightmares-turned-life-dramas because they, well, were just so damned hilarious that certainly I'd want to share them with others.

I think most of my "vignettes" (let's call them that for now) are best served in person with the style, conviction and sweaty brow that is all my own. Some say I missed my calling for stage but I think I'm probably better off serving those of you on the streets of America. After all, if only the fun people were on stage or TV, how much fun would it be, say, chatting by the company water cooler or perhaps waiting in the check-out line if the "blue-collar performers" like me weren't there?

To that point, I think it's appropriate that I develop some code of honor for this Blog. Something to help steer it in a positive direction. Something like this:

" I, Patrick, being of self-proclaimed
sound mind and moderate health, do hereby
promise to report the truth and only the truth.
I will ensure I "keep it real*" when reporting
the chuckholes of my life.

I yearn to be a great protector of the unfortunate
from the big, bad entities (be them people, or companies
comprised of people) who try to get away with something
at other's expense."

* All great statements have legal associated with them and my statement above is no exception. First off, let's define what legal is. Legal is the small text (like this) that accompanies type that is set in a teeny-weeny font and is hidden somewhere obscure so that lawyers "cover off" on the exceptions to great marketing statements or claims. Trust me, I know. Legal is small because they hope you don't read it. But things called "law suits" make legal a tedious necessity. Thus, all legal disclaimers result in huge blocks of small text that nobody reads because if they did, their heads would explode. Legal is the reason we wear glasses. So, to sum it up, "Legal has ruined my vision." I'm sorry I had to sink to their level by typesetting this in a small font, but I have to prove a point. So, if your eyes are ruined, like mine, the next time you receive a great offer, IGNORE THE BIG FONT and read the small font first - this is the "real offer" you will get.

That all being said, by "real" what I mean is that I will pepper no more than 8% (+ or - 2%) of my stories with unadulterated bullcrap. Bullcrap is defined by me as the spice of life. The nuts in ice cream. The beer at the end of a long day. The "wiggle room" of the truth. Why we get up each day. The reason you are reading this now.

There. That's not bad, huh?

Well what about you? What kind of commitment are you going to make to me? I mean, I'm not charging for this thing, am I? I'm not going to put myself out there if you have no responsibilities. Well, then - here's what I expect of you:

" I, [ insert your name here ], being a guest of
Patrick's Original Blog
do hereby promise to read Patrick's life drama and learn from it.
I will laugh, and/or cry and share his experiences with the people
I care about whether they be known or unknown.

Real. Or "mostly-real."

There. That's good. Light and fluffy crap.

Well. On with the show! Stay tuned for my first tragedy. Read it for what it is and comment (or not) as you see fit.

Blog Update: 2/24/08:

How interesting the results from my first Consumer Victim Poll (shown at right)! A full 100% of you voting about legal disclaimers felt that they were confusing or subjected you to something you were not aware of!

The "Proof Is In The Pudding" as they say and legal footnotes, although "helpful" or "required" from the inside of corporate America are, in fact, misleading and damaging from a consumer perspective.

Keep reading the legal, folks!


WTF said...

AT&T...need I say more?

Danny D! said...

Patrick, I applaud you for taking your Consumer Victim act to cyberspace. There HAVE to be more people like you out there! Your blog is off to a VERY hilarious start!

Ann P said...

I'm glad you finally decided to take my advise and start a blog. I look forward to it.

Jamie said...

I am anxious...oh so anxious, I can't wait to hear your first story! Consider me subscribed!

ActionNeeded said...

I, [ p2 ], being a guest of
Patrick's Original Blog
do hereby promise to read Patrick's life drama and learn from it.
I will laugh, and/or cry and share his experiences with the people
I care about whether they be known or unknown.
Real. Or "mostly-real.


mykidsinheritance said...

3 CHEERS! I too and working on a consumer nightmares blog -- it's just a shame you reach a point where nothing else works and you have no other options. Sources of my distress: Dell, Comcast & Keller Williams.

You're my hero!